Akatsuki Family Day
by HiImZetsu
Summary: Its Bring-Your-Family-To-Work-Day at the Akatsuki base! What could possibly go wrong?


Pein turned on the intercom and pulled the mike towards him. "Remember," he growled "Tomorrow is…" he had to force himself to say it, "Akatsuki Family Day." He was hating Madara right now. Ever since Madara had given up on the Biju, Akatsuki had turned more and more into a desk job.

Konan walked up behind her childhood friend and put a hand on his shoulder. "At least we won't be alone," she consoled him, wrapping her arms around his neck and flashing the ring on her left hand at the same time

"Still… Some of these people…" Pein shuddered.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

The next day, Pein knew he had to visit each member and their family, so he decided to start easy. Itachi and Madara didn't have any family, right?

Wrong. He found Sasuke chained to the wall in a neck shackle between Itachi and Madara's desks. Pein took a step back when he realized that he was howling cusswords at Itachi and Madara and it looked like he was foaming at the mouth.

"Itachi!" Pein yelled over the stream of obscenities coming from Sasuke, "Shut him up!" Itachi threw a piece of chicken at Sasuke. Sasuke stopped cussing and pounced on the meat. Pein just backed away slowly, hoping this wasn't a sign of how the rest of his day would be.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

"So… Where's your family, Kisame?" Pein asked.

Kisame pointed to a small tank on his desk with three small fish in it. "These are my sisters Nema, Aqua and Emily." He turned and pointed to something behind Pein. "That's Johnny." Pein turned to see a huge tank that he somehow hadn't noticed before. Inside there was a shark that looked like it could easily eat all the members of Akatsuki in one bite. Pein shook his head, trying to get that thought out of his head. "People also call him Jaws." Kisame continued, oblivious to Pein's mental trauma. Pein's eyes popped as he steadied himself on Kisame's shoulder, he trying to breathe deeply and calm down.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

"Where's your family?" he asked, by now not worried. What could Deidara's family have wrong besides too many mouths?

"Dead," Deidara grunted, not even turning away from his desk.

"Oh." Pein muttered, finding himself backing away yet again. It was better not to push it. With Deidara, that could get really messy really fast.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

He went down to the basement and found Hidan on the floor next to his desk with a spike through his chest. "Umm… Hidan? Where's your family?" he asked, half expecting to be cussed out for interrupting the ritual.

"Well…"

*flashback*

Hidan flew out the door and landed on the dead lawn that his little brother had sacrificed to Jashin last month. His mother appeared at the doorway. "Go ******* make ****** Jashin *********** proud you ******** little ******* son of my **********ing ************ of a ******* ing *****hole in a ********dolphin!"

*flashback end*

"I was sort of kicked out of the house." Hidan grunted.

Pein shrugged. ~Not nearly as bad as some of the others~ he thought.

He turned slowly to Kakuzu, expecting the worst. "Don't ask" Kakuzu grunted. For the umpteenth time today, Pein had to fight back the urge to crawl into a corner and scream. Instead, he left the basement, surprised that those two were the most normal so far.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

Sasori was next. By now, Pein knew better than to think that this would be normal, seeing as he had been wrong every time.

Sasori sat at his desk with two puppets sitting in chairs next to him. "Umm… Sasori?"

Sasori swiveled in his chair. "Oh! Pein, I want you to meet Mom and Dad!" he said, gesturing to his puppets.

Pein put his hand over his eye to hide the twitch he had recently acquired (recently being in the last 5 minutes). "What about Chiyo?" he asked, deliberately avoiding looking at Sasori's "parents."

"She's long dead." Sasori shrugged.

Chiyo stormed up to Sasori and smacked him across the face, "I'm right here, you little twit!" she snapped.

Hidan popped up, his chest still bloody. "Jashin rest her soul," he said solemnly.

"Dangit!" Chiyo yelled as Sasori and Pein nodded respectfully.

Pein had to drag himself to Zetsu's desk. He just knew that this was going to end badly.

He sighed in relief as he approached Zetsu's desk. No giant killer plants. Just a small Venus flytrap in a pot. "So… Zetsu," Pein trailed off.

"Dad couldn't make it. This is Mom." The plant-man gestured to the Venus flytrap. "I need some water." Zetsu got up and walked away.

When Zetsu was out of the room, Pein sighed. "Somehow I knew one of his parents lived in a pot," he admitted.

"Well that wasn't very nice!" a voice reprimanded him. Pein whipped his head around to the desk. "Now apologize" the Venus Flytrap said.

Pein ran screaming from the building.

"What was his problem?" the Venus flytrap asked.

"Who knows?" Konan said, walking over from her desk.

"Hey babe," the Venus flytrap turned to Konan "Could you get me some fertilizer? It's in the third drawer down on the left."

"Sure." Konan pulled out a bag of fertilizer and sprinkled it on the Venus flytrap's roots.

"Oh yeah. That's the spot. Thanks, hon."

"No problem."


End file.
